Mental Drain is No Joke

 Assalamualaikum.

Yesterday, I was filled with so much rage, misery and heartache. 

If you ask me, I have no answer as to why all I have all these mixed up feeling. 

I am trying to understand my life, my body, my emotion, my journey.

I was told to find something positive or small wins for the day each day. 

Well, maybe there are days I am allowed to just feel the lowest low? The younger me used to hold on to being okay to fall down hard, cause perhaps its high time for you bounce back up even higher. Maybe that can be partially possible, or maybe not? I just want a peaceful normal life, not having to fight with my inner self every single day to stay calm. 

But hey, come on Farah! This isn't you! You are so much better than that. 

You are FARAH! Remember that. The fact that you stay alive is already a blessing. 

Well done, dear! *Pats ownself nodding and smiling proudly*

So, Alhamdulillah. I woke up this morning, still feeling miserable, and exhausted. BUT, Allah tu Maha Baik. Setiap kali solat nowadays, satu je aku mintak; Nak BAHAGIA, nak TENANG, nak Allah tarik je semua bad vibes and segala rasa sakit tu. I believe HE is slowly giving me that. Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal, All praise and thanks are only for Allah on all circumstances.

A small good news arrived in my email today. While I was battling to calm myself down from sadness and frustrating mood. Just enough to distract. Alhamdulillah. 

So here I am now, trying to remind myself that I too, can be happy. That I can actually be able to navigate back my life on track. Even it won't be like before, maybe it will be on different track, I have no idea but I TRUST HIM to give me hope and keep my faith in check because i feel too weak already to push myself up as it was.

Be nice to yourself first. Because the most painful pain one can do to a person is to HIM/HER ITSELF. 

Bangkit, ya, Farah. Allah tu Maha Baik. Pasti jalan itu ada. 

Yang Masih Cuba,

Farah Diana

I am Tired

 Assalamualaikum

Yeah. Thought I'm all better by now?

I don't know. It's indeed a rollercoaster. Today's one of the bad days. I feel miserable to the bones. 

To the extend, I turn to AI to help me cope with my feelings, to understand it, to rewind and rewire everything. 

It is exhausting. 

To feel hurt, but at the same time am blaming everything to my ownself. 

To understand but ended up thrown deeper into the trauma or thoughts, I don't even know which is it now. 

I felt super happy yesterday to be able to create cute, pretty little floral cupcakes for my nephew and my favorite doctor friend, but bila hadir insan yg kita belum kuat nak hadap, puji artwork kita....made me feel all awkward kind of feeling sebab kalau boleh I want to be left alone. My head is like super loud buzzing with so many thoughts of what ifs, why, how come, whatever, and God Knows how much more it is playing in my head. 

Penat lah eh. 

Aku rasa nak mencarut tapi dah tak reti sebenarnya nak mencarut sebab I'm a mother, and since I became a teacher, I refrain myself to do so. I don't feel it is a good thing to do anyways. 

Ada tak any places that offer activities macam ala junkyard tu, that we can smash or just lempar whatever it is to just vent out our anger into that endless energy that keeps us awake for so many nights? 

Yang Penat Tapi Mampos is not an option,

Farah Diana

Love Yourself

 Assalamualaikum.

Alhamdulillah. I think I am getting calmer these days. A dear friend dropped by last week. Reviewed some trust fund a lit then sambung curahan hati yang masih ketat di dada nih (since she came and i let go all my weight juga about a week or two ago too to her). 

So she suggested some ideas to lessen the haywire inside my head, well, I guess it helps a lil.

1, hide stories or updates from those punca trigger. 

At the same time, kebetulan juga now I memang randomly register je segala apa kelas yang I feel can help me, be it finding a new hobby or for upskilling. 

I really do not know whether I'm still keen on going or further deeper in ECE, because everytime I recall the memories when I was teaching, surrounded by lil kids and all; it still hurts. Good memories that hurts me so deeply I can't really explain how. Let's doa hopefully that is just temporary. This shall pass. In sha Allah.

But for now, syukur Alhamdulillah I feel lighter. I can drop my Bunga 2 without panicking or without feeling so stuffy. I can even joke with my ex-colleague about not wearing her mask despite being outdoors during these hazy day. 

Oh! I went to Floral Cupcake decorating during the weekend, it was very therapeutic! The vibes from the teacher and participants too, helps. They don't know me, not even what I am or was going through and I don't know much of their stories too, but it somehow felt.... safe. Almost bukak cerita to the teacher though (she was my favorite not so petite but nice size cake baker. Sumpah comel kek dia!!) How to say eh, not that we were so close to each other pun, cuma berkenalan atas dasar baker vs customer je pun. Cuma once in awhile I like to read her rantings on her IGS mostly, and sometimes I feel like commenting or reply to her rants. Terhibur kadang2 dia bergossip or membebel. Gaya macam aku gak lah rasanya kadang kadang tu. She asked what am I doing now, still teaching ke whatnot, so I just casually said I stopped teaching very recently. Dia punya terkejut sesangat lah eh macam aku confused sat eh dia ni kenal lama nau ke aku ni ek? haha. But....one thing I noticed, I felt so safe sharing a little bit with her. Serius, sangat sedikit I shared story of me with her but i felt like i already dump everything and I hold very little resentment already. Itulah kan, Allah susun jodoh kita dengan random people pun bukan kebetulan. DIA susun ada sebab. DIA jauhkan kita dengan yang kita ingat terpaling lekat dihati pun for one or may reasons that He already Plans the BEST for us. Even teacher cake said take care upon bidding goodbye after class ends pun aku rasa terharu dan sebak eh kau ni Paghah!

This reminds me another thing too....

To never regret be kind to people...Especially your ownself. You deserve to be happy, angry, sad or what ever it is, but in the end, be NICE to yourself. Others can think or hurt however they want to. Till they don't say it to your face, you don't have to blame yourself thinking if u have done anything wrong to them. Likewise to yourself, u can feel hurt too, and heal afterwards.\

Sayang diri sendiri, Paghah. 

You only have Allah and YOURSELF only to stand tall and strong.

Yang Slowly Tenang,

Farah Diana

The Space Between Then and Now

Assalamualaikum.

Mana lagi aku nak cari tempat curhat?

Sini je lah.

Since aku yakin semua manusia dah move on ke other platforms.

Hopefully, this is my safe space.

Sebab space yang dahulunya aku marked as my safe zone, akhirnya menjadi satu-satunya ruang yang menjadi trigger utama aku sekarang.

Kiri kanan, depan belakang, semua pesan untuk bercakap, bersembang, keep distracted.

Dan terpaling utama, “sembanglah dengan Dia.”

Trust me, I did.

Cukup.

Jangan datang sogok telinga aku untuk “nangis lah kat Pencipta” yada yada yada.

Itu urusan aku dengan Dia.

Just because you don't see me sujud before your eyes, doesn't mean I didn't.

What I feel now is… everyone is judging me.

Bagai madu, sepah dibuang.

Ye. Itu lah yang aku rasa now.

Bukan sekali dua ya aku cuba self-motivate myself not to downgrade myself.

Tapi entahlah.

“I know it's hard, but if you need to let it out, I'm here.”

I lost trust in this sentence already.

When I silently scream, nobody bothered to tanya khabar.

Sebab takut kot ya aku ni dah masuk category gila eh?

But ada lah yang randomly merisik khabar.

May Allah bless these people.

Dalam otak aku, hari-hari aku berperang macam dalam kartun tu…

The optimistic Farah vs. the pessimistic Farah.

— Tindakan orang itu begitu begini sebab dia sayang kau, Farah. Dia tak nak kau makin koyak.

vs.

— Tahniah. Orang itu begitu begini sebab dia dah safely dodged a bullet. Terselamat daripada pening kepala nak “fix” you, Farah!

—

— It's high time you soar higher, Farah. Dah tiba masa kau level up.

vs.

— Kepakaran kau dah tak relevan. Dah lapuk ditelan zaman, Farah. Get a grip!

—

— I can do this on my own! I am capable of creating my own path! Yes, I can!!

vs.

— Ada orang janji nak guide aku. Tapi? Kenapa aku rasa terkapai-kapai ni? Aku nak buat apa dah ni?

—

— Syukur sangat. Dah banyak terima kasih sayang dan ihsan dari situ.

vs.

— Get lost, Farah. Your presence there just ruins things around you.

Penat, ok.

Penat sangat.

Kadang-kadang, sekadar nampak rutin di sana pun dah cukup untuk trigger how my old self used to be while I was there doing those routines too.

Tapi hari ini, aku tak ada di sana.

Aku cuma lalu dan nampak mereka buat apa yang aku pernah buat di situ.

Dan kemudian…

I'll start shaking and blaming myself again.

Aku discounted my precious experiences a LOT.

Sakit tu tak boleh nak describe.

Sebab luka tu tak visible.

Orang hanya mampu…

“Semoga Allah mudahkan urusan u, Farah.”

Untuk strangers, I'd be glad orang doakan begini.

Tapi, buat yang nampak depan mata how I struggle, tapi lempar juga ayat itu…

Baik kau tikam je aku.

Not that I really have a choice to run far away from that “ex-safe-space.”

I did talk to myself quite a lot.

About forgiving people.

About forgiving all that happened.

About moving on.

And most importantly…

about forgiving my own self.

But those sadness, rage and frustrations keep coming every now and then.

Hence, I'm here.

In hope to just dump whatever is filling up my head and just hope that it disappears soon.

Dan mungkin…

untuk pertama kalinya, aku tak perlu explain semuanya.

Tak perlu justify kenapa aku rasa begini.

Tak perlu convince sesiapa bahawa luka yang tak nampak itu tetap luka.

Aku cuma nak ruang untuk letak semua benda yang terlalu berat untuk aku bawa seorang.

Please jangan datang kepada aku bertanya khabar ketika aku dah tenang nanti.

Sebab kadang-kadang, bila sesuatu yang kita cuba heal datang semula dalam bentuk soalan, tempat, rutin atau kenangan…

sakitnya terasa macam kita kena mula dari awal semula.

Yang Masih Cuba Cari Pelangi,

Farah Diana