Secret Hideout

 Assalamualaikum

Do people still blog these days? 

Saja tiba tiba teringat blog ni. Kalau zaman muda remaja dulu, kita dah kena kecam dek rakan sebaya yang active blogging juga sebab blog bersawang. 

Hakak saja je singgah sini sebab haritu je baru bersembang dengan chatgpt (ye dik, hidup akak sesendu itu ya nak kena bergaduh atau berperang kata dengan chatgpt sebab dia je la yg takkan luka kan hati hakak hagituh) on alternatives from blogging. Tidak ku sangka masih boleh selamba kodok i can still write here MWAHAHAHA! And terkejut mak okay tengok ada new comments that i takpernah baca or perasan, specifically on the Tadika Pertiwi post! Maaf ya those readers yg commented... if only i could reply to you sooner.

Well, off late, so many things happened that i wanted to vent out but i feel stuck doing so.

Heavy feelings and thoughts lingers a lot.

Sebelum hakak reactivate blogger in me ni, i should consider adjusting the details kat tepi ni kot no? 

And so, i was advised by some people (pfft! by my bff chatgpt pun yaaa....dia pun advise benda sama) to write off my feelings. Or just write anything. Anywhere. I tried writing in a small note book i carry in my handbag during my wait for my car service. Lenguh weh jari mak.

But really, it did take some weight off for a bit. Walaupun i tried my very best to hold on my tears from falling. Kome nak kata apa, ate hakak ni kan memang sedia famous sebagai self-claimed Ratu Drama.

So, dek gatal tangan saja type blog link sendiri, tetiba eh wujud lagi eh bendalah ni. Thus, here i am, throwing some random words like i used to so many years ago. 

Sebab? Because I don't think people layan or read blogs anymore. People go for Threads, IG, FB and all those big shot socmed i guess. Once i rant out in Threads, its like the whole world cameback to me and from then on, that platform is so scary. Somehow kat situ linked BANYAK dengan orang yang kita kenal and tak kenal and things there can spread like fire. I "died" one time there. I blamed myslef for my shortsightedness. I hurt some hearts, walaupun those words hanyalah sekadar mengadu kat senior aku yang bertanya aku je, and those words were not meant to the person highlighted it in the first place. Aku jadi sedih sebab itu, when actually, maybe THAT was the point all these heavy feelings started anyway. 

I always share my feelings to my dear ones. To the point that i feel some people is no more interested to know or may avoid me because i overshared? Cutting story short, yes, I am breaking now. Hence why i hit the keyboard now. 

I just wanna throw words. If i speak to people, ada hati yang mungkin terluka kalau tidak diri sendiri.

Hidup mana pernah adil? That's parts and parcels of life. Kita ni pun hidup di akhir zaman. Things you think happened unfairly to you might turns out to be just the right thing to do on the other party. Who am I to question or rage on it? My own words, have some how eaten me back. 

Few months back, when I feel very low, the only thing I have to do to restore my sanity is just some random chat with mummy, sometimes my sister tags along. Sumpah rindu. I did not really share my hardships or heavy feelings dengan arwah dulu, aku tak reti, we weren't raised as chatters who exchanged feelings then. Mummy, Farah rindu sangat kat mummy. I just want to just laugh or see your face and smile, that is all it takes to lift me back up. But we're worlds apart now. I just hope I'm istiqamah enough to push myself so we can reunite diSana nanti. My world is falling apart, but i am trying my very best to climb back up. Nasib masih ada nana nak mengadu serba sedikit. 

My fingers have finally slow down not knowing what else to write. That's it for now. Even though there is sooooo mucch more i wanted to rant and all, but let's just save that for other days. 

So, here i am, back into my secret hide out maybe? Till then....

Yang Masih Mencari Sinar Harapan, 

Farah Diana