Learning to Breathe Again

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli Hal.

The past few months have been such a rollercoaster for me.

I know there are people who have gone through far worse. Tapi tu lah, tu cerita depa. Ni cerita I. 😆😆😆 Lah, tiber merentan kau, Paghah.

Those who know, know. Or at least, those who have seen how I've been navigating life these past few months would probably understand.

My strongest supporters, of course, have been Mr Hubs, my sister and my family. The person who witnessed my daily emotional ups and downs the most, naturally, was my other half. The girls, on the other hand, didn't really know what was going on because I tried my best to keep it from them. But deep down, I know they felt something too.

I believe I've gone through several stages of grief.

Not just over the loss of my beloved mom, but also over a few other things that I'd rather not get into.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

And somehow, I have this strong feeling that I'm finally approaching that last stage, insya-Allah.

Throughout those stages, there were only two things I kept asking Allah for in my du'a:

Tenang. Dan jawapan.

Because, honestly, the anger and depression stages were particularly consuming. They took more out of me than I realised.

And while Hubs was fighting his own battles, he somehow still managed to pull me along, making sure I didn't sink too deep into mine.

Now, I can finally breathe.

I'm slowly beginning to see some of the answers, and I've stopped fighting myself with unnecessary questions. One thing I've learnt is that some things simply don't come with immediate answers. And perhaps, some questions are better left unanswered until the right time comes.

A thought a friend once shared with me, too.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli Hal. All praise and thanks belong to Allah, in all circumstances.

I'm calmer now. I can even look back at some of the things I've been through and laugh about them. There was a time when I genuinely couldn't imagine ever feeling this light, breathing this freely or smiling like this again.

But ye lah, Allah tu Maha Baik.

To a better tomorrow.

I know the future doesn't promise a smooth, straight road ahead. But I've learnt that I can endure whatever comes, one day at a time.

Life, I suppose, is much like an endurance race. You don't sprint your way through everything. Sometimes you slow down, catch your breath and let things unfold. And when the time calls for it, you gather your strength and push a little harder.

For now, I'm just grateful that I get to breathe again.

Alhamdulillah. 

Jumaat yang Berkat

 Assalamualaikum

Yeah. It's been awhile. But I am always mentally drafting in my head to thrown random words here. But somehow I always ended up doing everything else. Is that a good sign for my health? 

Maybe. Well, for whatever it is, Alhamdulillah.

Today, somehow I think my day today (it's not even afternoon yet but I already feel like it is one whole season already) felt like some rolling video of a drama or movie series. 

Dia macam perjalanan harini macam ada misi. 

Ye lah kan, memang dunia ni sebuah pentas pun. 

Cantik je Allah susun perjalanan harini. And me writing it here sebenarnya nak acknowledge that it feels like Allah dah mula susun jawapan untuk aku. Yang mana aku rasa maybe Allah Maha Tahu bahawasanya aku mungkin dah ready untuk terima "jawapan" doa doa aku. 

Hanya bermodalkan niat nak beli nasi biryani untuk abah. Tiba tiba mr Hubs insist nak masakkan instead, and tiba tiba sampai lah aku di supermarket. Jujurnya mood untuk aku masuk dapur harini sangat tiada. I only feel that today my aim is to on the laptop and do whatever things I can do. Blog, sambung online class recordings, research, or simply scroll music videos. So, memandangkan mood ke dapur hatta demi R&D resipi roti jala sekali pun, itu tiada, maka I just waited for mr Hubs to shop for the ingredients while i scroll my phone. Dan....tiba tiba jugalah a text from a friend; former colleague and also a dear sister maybe, minta tolong nak upah delivery dessert dia. Somehow from there, biasa la orang wanita kan, kalau dah jumpa sat, kata ja nak amik barang je, tup tup ko keras sembang kat situ setengah jam.

Kenapa tetiba aku nak regard all those as "drama satu season"?

Sebab....dengan berlaku nya semua tu, it brought me into a conversation that I was hesitant for quite some time. I was filled with numerous unanswered questions, yet i don't know where to dig the answers or whether i should do the digging anyways. 

I have been battling with my ownself lately.

But today, Allah susun untuk aku mula "buka" mata. Mungkin Dia nak bagitau aku, hati aku dah cukup kuat untuk bounce back. Atau mungkin aku dah cukup flexible to receive whatever it is without having to destroy my ownself. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli haal - All praise and thanks are only Allah in all circumstances.

For now, I am at peacce because one of my trigger factor has an answer. Or at least to me it is one light was fixed.

For everything else, i Submit entirely to Him what ever it leads me too. I know, it is for my own good. Allah kan  Maha Baik?

Yang Mencari Arah, 

Farah Diana

Mental Drain is No Joke

 Assalamualaikum.

Yesterday, I was filled with so much rage, misery and heartache. 

If you ask me, I have no answer as to why all I have all these mixed up feeling. 

I am trying to understand my life, my body, my emotion, my journey.

I was told to find something positive or small wins for the day each day. 

Well, maybe there are days I am allowed to just feel the lowest low? The younger me used to hold on to being okay to fall down hard, cause perhaps its high time for you bounce back up even higher. Maybe that can be partially possible, or maybe not? I just want a peaceful normal life, not having to fight with my inner self every single day to stay calm. 

But hey, come on Farah! This isn't you! You are so much better than that. 

You are FARAH! Remember that. The fact that you stay alive is already a blessing. 

Well done, dear! *Pats ownself nodding and smiling proudly*

So, Alhamdulillah. I woke up this morning, still feeling miserable, and exhausted. BUT, Allah tu Maha Baik. Setiap kali solat nowadays, satu je aku mintak; Nak BAHAGIA, nak TENANG, nak Allah tarik je semua bad vibes and segala rasa sakit tu. I believe HE is slowly giving me that. Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal, All praise and thanks are only for Allah on all circumstances.

A small good news arrived in my email today. While I was battling to calm myself down from sadness and frustrating mood. Just enough to distract. Alhamdulillah. 

So here I am now, trying to remind myself that I too, can be happy. That I can actually be able to navigate back my life on track. Even it won't be like before, maybe it will be on different track, I have no idea but I TRUST HIM to give me hope and keep my faith in check because i feel too weak already to push myself up as it was.

Be nice to yourself first. Because the most painful pain one can do to a person is to HIM/HER ITSELF. 

Bangkit, ya, Farah. Allah tu Maha Baik. Pasti jalan itu ada. 

Yang Masih Cuba,

Farah Diana

I am Tired

 Assalamualaikum

Yeah. Thought I'm all better by now?

I don't know. It's indeed a rollercoaster. Today's one of the bad days. I feel miserable to the bones. 

To the extend, I turn to AI to help me cope with my feelings, to understand it, to rewind and rewire everything. 

It is exhausting. 

To feel hurt, but at the same time am blaming everything to my ownself. 

To understand but ended up thrown deeper into the trauma or thoughts, I don't even know which is it now. 

I felt super happy yesterday to be able to create cute, pretty little floral cupcakes for my nephew and my favorite doctor friend, but bila hadir insan yg kita belum kuat nak hadap, puji artwork kita....made me feel all awkward kind of feeling sebab kalau boleh I want to be left alone. My head is like super loud buzzing with so many thoughts of what ifs, why, how come, whatever, and God Knows how much more it is playing in my head. 

Penat lah eh. 

Aku rasa nak mencarut tapi dah tak reti sebenarnya nak mencarut sebab I'm a mother, and since I became a teacher, I refrain myself to do so. I don't feel it is a good thing to do anyways. 

Ada tak any places that offer activities macam ala junkyard tu, that we can smash or just lempar whatever it is to just vent out our anger into that endless energy that keeps us awake for so many nights? 

Yang Penat Tapi Mampos is not an option,

Farah Diana

Love Yourself

 Assalamualaikum.

Alhamdulillah. I think I am getting calmer these days. A dear friend dropped by last week. Reviewed some trust fund a lit then sambung curahan hati yang masih ketat di dada nih (since she came and i let go all my weight juga about a week or two ago too to her). 

So she suggested some ideas to lessen the haywire inside my head, well, I guess it helps a lil.

1, hide stories or updates from those punca trigger. 

At the same time, kebetulan juga now I memang randomly register je segala apa kelas yang I feel can help me, be it finding a new hobby or for upskilling. 

I really do not know whether I'm still keen on going or further deeper in ECE, because everytime I recall the memories when I was teaching, surrounded by lil kids and all; it still hurts. Good memories that hurts me so deeply I can't really explain how. Let's doa hopefully that is just temporary. This shall pass. In sha Allah.

But for now, syukur Alhamdulillah I feel lighter. I can drop my Bunga 2 without panicking or without feeling so stuffy. I can even joke with my ex-colleague about not wearing her mask despite being outdoors during these hazy day. 

Oh! I went to Floral Cupcake decorating during the weekend, it was very therapeutic! The vibes from the teacher and participants too, helps. They don't know me, not even what I am or was going through and I don't know much of their stories too, but it somehow felt.... safe. Almost bukak cerita to the teacher though (she was my favorite not so petite but nice size cake baker. Sumpah comel kek dia!!) How to say eh, not that we were so close to each other pun, cuma berkenalan atas dasar baker vs customer je pun. Cuma once in awhile I like to read her rantings on her IGS mostly, and sometimes I feel like commenting or reply to her rants. Terhibur kadang2 dia bergossip or membebel. Gaya macam aku gak lah rasanya kadang kadang tu. She asked what am I doing now, still teaching ke whatnot, so I just casually said I stopped teaching very recently. Dia punya terkejut sesangat lah eh macam aku confused sat eh dia ni kenal lama nau ke aku ni ek? haha. But....one thing I noticed, I felt so safe sharing a little bit with her. Serius, sangat sedikit I shared story of me with her but i felt like i already dump everything and I hold very little resentment already. Itulah kan, Allah susun jodoh kita dengan random people pun bukan kebetulan. DIA susun ada sebab. DIA jauhkan kita dengan yang kita ingat terpaling lekat dihati pun for one or may reasons that He already Plans the BEST for us. Even teacher cake said take care upon bidding goodbye after class ends pun aku rasa terharu dan sebak eh kau ni Paghah!

This reminds me another thing too....

To never regret be kind to people...Especially your ownself. You deserve to be happy, angry, sad or what ever it is, but in the end, be NICE to yourself. Others can think or hurt however they want to. Till they don't say it to your face, you don't have to blame yourself thinking if u have done anything wrong to them. Likewise to yourself, u can feel hurt too, and heal afterwards.\

Sayang diri sendiri, Paghah. 

You only have Allah and YOURSELF only to stand tall and strong.

Yang Slowly Tenang,

Farah Diana