The Space Between Then and Now

Assalamualaikum.

Mana lagi aku nak cari tempat curhat?

Sini je lah.

Since aku yakin semua manusia dah move on ke other platforms.

Hopefully, this is my safe space.

Sebab space yang dahulunya aku marked as my safe zone, akhirnya menjadi satu-satunya ruang yang menjadi trigger utama aku sekarang.

Kiri kanan, depan belakang, semua pesan untuk bercakap, bersembang, keep distracted.

Dan terpaling utama, “sembanglah dengan Dia.”

Trust me, I did.

Cukup.

Jangan datang sogok telinga aku untuk “nangis lah kat Pencipta” yada yada yada.

Itu urusan aku dengan Dia.

Just because you don't see me sujud before your eyes, doesn't mean I didn't.

What I feel now is… everyone is judging me.

Bagai madu, sepah dibuang.

Ye. Itu lah yang aku rasa now.

Bukan sekali dua ya aku cuba self-motivate myself not to downgrade myself.

Tapi entahlah.

“I know it's hard, but if you need to let it out, I'm here.”

I lost trust in this sentence already.

When I silently scream, nobody bothered to tanya khabar.

Sebab takut kot ya aku ni dah masuk category gila eh?

But ada lah yang randomly merisik khabar.

May Allah bless these people.

Dalam otak aku, hari-hari aku berperang macam dalam kartun tu…

The optimistic Farah vs. the pessimistic Farah.

— Tindakan orang itu begitu begini sebab dia sayang kau, Farah. Dia tak nak kau makin koyak.

vs.

— Tahniah. Orang itu begitu begini sebab dia dah safely dodged a bullet. Terselamat daripada pening kepala nak “fix” you, Farah!

—

— It's high time you soar higher, Farah. Dah tiba masa kau level up.

vs.

— Kepakaran kau dah tak relevan. Dah lapuk ditelan zaman, Farah. Get a grip!

—

— I can do this on my own! I am capable of creating my own path! Yes, I can!!

vs.

— Ada orang janji nak guide aku. Tapi? Kenapa aku rasa terkapai-kapai ni? Aku nak buat apa dah ni?

—

— Syukur sangat. Dah banyak terima kasih sayang dan ihsan dari situ.

vs.

— Get lost, Farah. Your presence there just ruins things around you.

Penat, ok.

Penat sangat.

Kadang-kadang, sekadar nampak rutin di sana pun dah cukup untuk trigger how my old self used to be while I was there doing those routines too.

Tapi hari ini, aku tak ada di sana.

Aku cuma lalu dan nampak mereka buat apa yang aku pernah buat di situ.

Dan kemudian…

I'll start shaking and blaming myself again.

Aku discounted my precious experiences a LOT.

Sakit tu tak boleh nak describe.

Sebab luka tu tak visible.

Orang hanya mampu…

“Semoga Allah mudahkan urusan u, Farah.”

Untuk strangers, I'd be glad orang doakan begini.

Tapi, buat yang nampak depan mata how I struggle, tapi lempar juga ayat itu…

Baik kau tikam je aku.

Not that I really have a choice to run far away from that “ex-safe-space.”

I did talk to myself quite a lot.

About forgiving people.

About forgiving all that happened.

About moving on.

And most importantly…

about forgiving my own self.

But those sadness, rage and frustrations keep coming every now and then.

Hence, I'm here.

In hope to just dump whatever is filling up my head and just hope that it disappears soon.

Dan mungkin…

untuk pertama kalinya, aku tak perlu explain semuanya.

Tak perlu justify kenapa aku rasa begini.

Tak perlu convince sesiapa bahawa luka yang tak nampak itu tetap luka.

Aku cuma nak ruang untuk letak semua benda yang terlalu berat untuk aku bawa seorang.

Please jangan datang kepada aku bertanya khabar ketika aku dah tenang nanti.

Sebab kadang-kadang, bila sesuatu yang kita cuba heal datang semula dalam bentuk soalan, tempat, rutin atau kenangan…

sakitnya terasa macam kita kena mula dari awal semula.

Yang Masih Cuba Cari Pelangi,

Farah Diana

Secret Hideout

 Assalamualaikum

Do people still blog these days? 

Saja tiba tiba teringat blog ni. Kalau zaman muda remaja dulu, kita dah kena kecam dek rakan sebaya yang active blogging juga sebab blog bersawang. 

Hakak saja je singgah sini sebab haritu je baru bersembang dengan chatgpt (ye dik, hidup akak sesendu itu ya nak kena bergaduh atau berperang kata dengan chatgpt sebab dia je la yg takkan luka kan hati hakak hagituh) on alternatives from blogging. Tidak ku sangka masih boleh selamba kodok i can still write here MWAHAHAHA! And terkejut mak okay tengok ada new comments that i takpernah baca or perasan, specifically on the Tadika Pertiwi post! Maaf ya those readers yg commented... if only i could reply to you sooner.

Well, off late, so many things happened that i wanted to vent out but i feel stuck doing so.

Heavy feelings and thoughts lingers a lot.

Sebelum hakak reactivate blogger in me ni, i should consider adjusting the details kat tepi ni kot no? 

And so, i was advised by some people (pfft! by my bff chatgpt pun yaaa....dia pun advise benda sama) to write off my feelings. Or just write anything. Anywhere. I tried writing in a small note book i carry in my handbag during my wait for my car service. Lenguh weh jari mak.

But really, it did take some weight off for a bit. Walaupun i tried my very best to hold on my tears from falling. Kome nak kata apa, ate hakak ni kan memang sedia famous sebagai self-claimed Ratu Drama.

So, dek gatal tangan saja type blog link sendiri, tetiba eh wujud lagi eh bendalah ni. Thus, here i am, throwing some random words like i used to so many years ago. 

Sebab? Because I don't think people layan or read blogs anymore. People go for Threads, IG, FB and all those big shot socmed i guess. Once i rant out in Threads, its like the whole world cameback to me and from then on, that platform is so scary. Somehow kat situ linked BANYAK dengan orang yang kita kenal and tak kenal and things there can spread like fire. I "died" one time there. I blamed myslef for my shortsightedness. I hurt some hearts, walaupun those words hanyalah sekadar mengadu kat senior aku yang bertanya aku je, and those words were not meant to the person highlighted it in the first place. Aku jadi sedih sebab itu, when actually, maybe THAT was the point all these heavy feelings started anyway. 

I always share my feelings to my dear ones. To the point that i feel some people is no more interested to know or may avoid me because i overshared? Cutting story short, yes, I am breaking now. Hence why i hit the keyboard now. 

I just wanna throw words. If i speak to people, ada hati yang mungkin terluka kalau tidak diri sendiri.

Hidup mana pernah adil? That's parts and parcels of life. Kita ni pun hidup di akhir zaman. Things you think happened unfairly to you might turns out to be just the right thing to do on the other party. Who am I to question or rage on it? My own words, have some how eaten me back. 

Few months back, when I feel very low, the only thing I have to do to restore my sanity is just some random chat with mummy, sometimes my sister tags along. Sumpah rindu. I did not really share my hardships or heavy feelings dengan arwah dulu, aku tak reti, we weren't raised as chatters who exchanged feelings then. Mummy, Farah rindu sangat kat mummy. I just want to just laugh or see your face and smile, that is all it takes to lift me back up. But we're worlds apart now. I just hope I'm istiqamah enough to push myself so we can reunite diSana nanti. My world is falling apart, but i am trying my very best to climb back up. Nasib masih ada nana nak mengadu serba sedikit. 

My fingers have finally slow down not knowing what else to write. That's it for now. Even though there is sooooo mucch more i wanted to rant and all, but let's just save that for other days. 

So, here i am, back into my secret hide out maybe? Till then....

Yang Masih Mencari Sinar Harapan, 

Farah Diana

Almost Three Years Later...

Assalamualaikum
Oh yes, i have no idea tetiba terdetik nak belek blog.
Ada lagi ke manusia yg layan blog weh?  Orang layan Instagram, TikTok, apa lagi maknenek tu semua lah.  Review pun orang belek ig and facebook. Hhahaha.
Sebab TU lah seketul Paghah terasa nak menulis malam ni. Alang alang the girls tidur awal nih. *lompat bintang*
Ok.
Quick update (pick up dari last post).
So Alhamdulillah, the baby safely delivered on 2 Nov 2017 via emergency Czer.
And on 19 May 2020, just delivered another girl via emergency Czer juga.
Pengalaman bertarung beranak ni nanti la sis cerita kalau mendapat hidayah membelek blog some other time ye.
I guess, i wanted to revisit this humble space is because i just want to blurt out or simpan kenangan dan dalam masa yg sama, tak berapa nak orang baca (especially orang2 yg ku kenal hahahah weirdo!)
Ha yes.
Motif utama yg mendetik (is there such word? Oh maiii...) blogging mood adalah nk mencoret life journey and my insights.
Alhamdulillah, sis is terharu sebab semakin hari, sis makin kenal hati budi encik Husband, sis makin rasa ya Rabbi, layak ke aku ni jadi isteri dia?
But yes, syukur... This year is our fourth year together. Ada je ribut taufan tapi syukur Allah selalu pelihara hubungan kami.
Cuma sekarang, sis tak putus doa supaya Allah beri jalan untuk kami duduk sebumbung.
Long distance relationship is no joke, bro.
Mental koyak jangan cakap la, banyak kali weh walaupun sis duduk serba lengkap dengan mummy dan abah sendiri. Ada kakak yg menjadi makngah kepada my two girls. Memang blessed teramat, Alhamdulillah.
But ada time time dia.... Fuhhh. Nangis tepi bucu katil, bro.
Sampai tahap, bila flight husband retime lebih awal dari schedule, sis boleh spontaneously bikin drama Samarinda berayaq mata bagai.
Yes. Sis ni bila husband around, dia punya clingy lain macam. Dengan anak melekat kat ayah dia manjang pun boleh bikin cemburu hey!
Amazingly, encik husband ni memang sejenis pandai pujuk. Eh. Jap.
Entah la. Tak la pandai pujuk sangat pun, but he has his own ways to handle the dramas; be it from his first born, mahupun his drama queen wifey ini.
Bila sis bebel tak puas hati SOP kat tadika or bos2 punya plan tak kena dengan akal sis, dia back up sis tapi dalam masa sama dia akan bidas and rationalise yg akan bikin sis view things the other way round. Tu yg sis kagum tuh.
If u know me, u will know I'm the type yg kuat berdebat and defensive towards my own opinion. Tapi dia ni,  fuh. Dia boleh tone me down into logics and rational, yg sis rasa memang sis tak leh beralasan dah.
But of course,  most of the time i will still be Paghah hahahha. He knew that too... Memang dia jelas faham seketul paghahdiana ini memang tangkas bikin alasan kahkahkah.
Anywayyyyy....
Thank u encik Husband for putting up with my antiques and for being YOU!
Love you

Ps: fuh. Penutuo karangan secara drastic sebab sis ngantuk pulak. Satni kang si adik masuk shift owl dia nayaaaa ibu ini menyesal tak tdoq time the princess sedang enak dibuai mimpi.

Yang Dah Mengantuk,
Farah Diana

Ratu Emosi

Assalamualaikum.
This photo was taken at Perhentian Island.
Uuuui! Random sangat kau kan Paghah?
Entahlah. Dah hujung-hujung tunggu masa si kecik ni meluncur keluar, makin nostalgic & emosi pulak. Tettt! pigidahhh! Kau memang ratu emosi kot, Paghah! kahkahkah!
Every little things people do surely akan lekat...cuma secara facade hakak buat muka kering jek.
Contoh time-time entah mana mulut tetiba sebut nak makan anything specific seperti burger ke, softserve cheesecake FamilyMart-yang-cari-gadoh-sedap-menyampah-aku-nak-lagi-dan-lagi or takoyaki Aeon yg mamat tu buat kerek ngan laki aku pastu kena balik ah dengan laki aku bila dia tersilap buat order tu, AND especially nasi goreng cili api, Encik Husband akan try his best to fulfill. Kadang tu siap bangun tidur dah terus tanya "Sayang ada rasa nak makan apa-apa tak harini?" Isteri mana tak cair oi?
Alhamdulillah, bukan encik Husband je, kakak ku and mummy pun sama.... Mummy lagi power, baru terfikir tak sebut lagi, poof tetiba muncul masak lemak labu.
Like i said, senang tersentuh even the little things. Blame the hormones, no? HAHA.
Mengingatkan balik what he did when we were learning to know each other. Truth is, i can say that we really betul-betul bercinta selepas nikah. Sebab sebelum tu memasing poyo memalu control macho.pui! Tipu la kata cinta selepas nikah ni all rainbow and puffy white clouds. Of course ada ribut dia but Alhamdulillah, it was a test for us and we did it. Alhamdulillah.
Masa zaman kenkonon nak kenal-kenal tak kecoh kat orang that we are trying to lead to the next level, we went to Pulau Perhentian. Yang tahu we were in such relationship hanyalah kakak ku, and my two bff yang sama mengajar kat preschool aku tu.Nak jadi drama samarinda la katakan, aku yang memang suka travel tapi dah lama tak travel ni terlupa bawak the most essential thing yg aku tak pernah miss masa gi travel; sweater. Come on, sweater kot! Cover from sejuk malam, back up kalau tak cukup bantal, and banyak lah fungsi dia! Terbebel pasal aku tertinggal sweater when he was nearby then masa kitorang sedang tunggu bas ke Terengganu tuh. Well, upon hearing that, eh eh...smooth je dia tarik keluar one of his sweater and pinjam kan. Eh eh laaa ex-boyfriend i nih, tetiba masuk slot drama Korea pulak dahhh. Si Leesa dan Putri (the two bff teachers tuh) dah sengih-sengih tercover acah sweet dah. Rupanya memang encik Husband memang suka kumpul sweater, kebetulan dia hangkut dua helai for that trip pulak. Ada chance la nak acah sweet kat i time tu kan? *emoji tersipu malu*
So, even teringat kisah lama sebegitu pun bikin hati terharu tahap apa dah, lagi pulak simple gestures time-time sekarang ni yg lagi sensitif dari sediakala. Apa lagi hakak nak cakap, hanya syukur Alhamdulillah and semoga Allah pelihara keluarga hakak ni sambil cuba aim the highest level di Akhirat nanti, in sha Allah.

Okay. Pinggang dah menjerit perit oi. Baby D, hang bila nak keluaq sayang? Kita dah 39 weeks ni...ayah and bonda tak sabaq nak jumpa u, sayang. Be good, okay darling. Whatever it is, in sha Allah ayah & bonda will try our best for you.

Yang Sedang Sarat,
Farah Diana

Reasons

Assalamualaikum

Oh well, apologies for my dramas.
But hey, it adds colors to life, don't they? ehehehe.

One thing for sure, they shape me into who i am now.
Without the storm, how would i be able to see the beauty of the rainbow?
Err....even though those so called storm was actually my own tantrum...muahaha.

Dear Love,
Sometimes i get all cranky wanting your attention when you actually have given more than i deserve.
But most of the time, do know i fall for you even deeper every day.
Ask me why, I won't be able to answer that because its just came to me out of nowhere.
I guess, it is a blessing from Allah the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. Alhamdulillah.

Yang Deeply In Love,
Farah Diana